I have been a Christian for a long time...most of my life. I have been through many ups and downs, struggles and triumphs. I firmly believe that God is sovereign and in complete control. I believe He is good and that all good things come from Him. I believe that He is the Giver of all good gifts. I believe that we should praise Him in the good and the bad. Through the deaths, losses, and tragedies I have praised Him.
Today? I want to praise Him. I do. I REALLY want to. And if I am honest, part of me does. But my soul is at battle with itself. There is a part of me that is screaming, kicking its feet, and pounding its fists. Through gritted teeth my heart cries, yes, I love you, yes I praise you, but right now It hurts. And I am angry. I know You have a plan, but it is hard to see it through the tears.
Today, Jesus took my great nephew, our precious little fighter, home to be with Him. Four months is such a short life and he fought so hard. He brought so much joy from the beginning. And now, only four months later, such grief at his passing.
I remember taking a Death, Loss, and Grief class in seminary, learning about the stages of grief, about how to comfort by just being there, assure them that no matter what they were "feeling" it was ok. Anger, doubt, denial. Whatever. It is normal. Well, it may be "normal" but it stinks.
More than anything I want God to be glorified. In death, in life, I want Him to receive the honor and the glory, but sometimes, giving Him the glory hurts. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. I want to see what He plans to do through this. But He doesn't promise that. Today I heard that still small voice ask, "will you trust me even if you never fully see my plan in this?" My head says yes. My heart wants to. Deep down under the tantrum erupting in my soul I cling to the truth. Yes, I WILL trust You. I don't get it. I don't know why. I don't question Him or His goodness. I just hurt. But that's ok, because I know He hurts too.
I am ever so grateful for my Heavenly Father that has not chastised me in my tantrum, but stood there beside me with His arms open wide. His tears joining mine as we mourn together. I may not be able to see His plan through the tears, but I can feel His love. I am clinging to truth today...the truth I know, even though I may not feel it. I am so glad He clings to me even when I push away.