That's what I have labeled it. -- My emotional hideout.
It started months ago . . .some unfortunate circumstances. An emotional crash.
I have spent months picking up the pieces.
At one point my wonderful counselor husband threatened when I expressed my desire to re-enter the cave, "No! I have put scorpions in the cave. No going back."
Every time I think I am taking a step forward, something happens and I end up back at the entrance of the cave.
Self confidence. Gone. Self Doubt. Welcome.
I have doubted my ability in everything.
My ability to be a good wife.
My ability to be a good mother.
My ability to homeschool.
My ability to be a good friend.
My ability to be Christlike.
I have struggled. No. I am struggling.
I am in the midst of a difficult place. I am my own biggest critic.
I will never be the wife I want to be.
I will never be the parent I want to be.
I will be the homeschool mom I want to be.
My house will never be Pinterest perfect.
I will always fail my family and friends.
I will never be as "holy" and "righteous" as I desire.
I have slowed down, even stopped blogging for times... I mean, do I really have anything to contribute?
My emotions are raw and vulnerable. I have closed out people I once considered friends. I no longer felt safe in relationships.
It is in these times of doubt that I must cling to Truth, whether I want to believe it or not. Satan desires nothing more than self defeating talk to immobilize us from doing that which God has called us to do.
He has called me to be a wife.
He has called me to be a mother.
He has called me to homeschool.
He has called me to be a friend.
He has called me to Himself.
There are no qualifiers in the call. No ratings I must reach. I know I must take my eyes off of the failures and onto Christ alone. He has called me and He is sanctifying me. He is aware of my shortcomings and has still called me.
I may not be living up to my own expectations, but I am living up to His. He accepts me where I am, and is constantly molding me more to Himself. I am oh so glad he does not give up on me as easily as I give up on myself.
I don't always believe the "truth." I am struggling with that today. I know it is truth. I believe it. I do. But sometimes I doubt...
When you doubt...stop listening to yourself. Instead, cling to truth.
Deep breath, dear friend. His mercies are new every morning.